A longtime resident of Uxbridge, Ted Barris has written professionally for 40 years - for radio, television, magazines and newspapers. The "Barris Beat" column began in the 1950s when his father Alex wrote for the Globe and Mail. Ted continues the tradition of offering a positive view of his community. He has written 16 non-fiction books of Canadian history and teaches journalism at Centennial College in Toronto.
The way of the dodo
I stopped at one of my favourite art-supply shops in the city, the other day. Out of habit, I passed the cashier, said hello and walked directly to the aisle with the portfolios. They're those bound folders that contain those see-through plastic sheaths for photos, clippings or other important papers you want to display. Anyway, like old Mother Hubbard, when I got there the shelf was bare. I asked what had happened.
“Oh, they've been discontinued,” the sales clerk said.
“Discontinued?” I repeated, as if the universe depended on the production, sales and circulation of portfolios for its very survival. How can they stop producing something as essential as that? What's happening in this world when something that's still needed by some of us gets heaved into the discard bin? I was as crestfallen as the day I learned they were cancelling CBC TV's “Front Page Challenge,” closing the local drive-in movie park, or replacing mini- with maxi-skirts. It just didn't seem right. And it took me a while to track down another portfolio retailer.
But that got me pondering about the number of consumer products, services and aids to everyday life we've seen go the way of the dodo bird. I got thinking of such discontinued items as the two-dollar bill (will the penny be far behind?), the seven-digit phone number, or standing for “O Canada” in the theatre at the beginning of a movie presentation.
(For the record, the dodo was a flightless bird indigenous to the Indian Ocean island of Mauritius. A cousin to the pigeon and dove, the large-billed bird stood about a metre high, weighed about 20 kilos and nested on the ground. And that, in part, was why the dodo was discontinued - by humans. Humans brought their dogs, pigs, cats and rats onto Mauritius and the domesticated animals preyed into extinction the dodo population by the middle of the 17th century.)
I guess we can blame the travesty of recent discontinuing, in part, on globalization and the recession. Among many examples, perhaps the airline industry has learned to discontinue and turn the process into a profit centre. I mean on most domestic flights these days, they've discontinued in-flight meals, in-flight headsets and most in-flight entertainment unless you pay extra; in short (with perhaps the exceptions of WestJet and Porter in this country) Canadian airlines have discontinued in-flight service all together. The last cross-Canada flight I took, the national airline was even charging extra for those Chiclet-sized pillows and towel-sized blankets.
But if the once high-flying airlines have stooped to discontinuation, there are countless others who've joined them in the race to mediocrity. The NHL is a prime example, I think. Have you wondered whatever happened to hockey's “centre ice”? What is it about play-by-play announcers and colour commentators that whenever they refer to that area between the blue lines, they have to call it “the neutral zone” now? And while I'm slamming the Americanization of my favourite sport, I frankly wouldn't mind discontinuing this idiotic notion that U.S. cities (outside of the Original four) need to have pro hockey. Thanks, but let's discontinue hockey in Phoenix, Nashville and Atlanta and bring it home to Winnipeg, Quebec or Halifax where it belongs.
And while I'm at it, I should add that there are some other products I wouldn't mind discontinuing. Bottled water could go, except for emergency use where water supplies have been contaminated. I'd be quite happy to see gas-guzzling SUVs in Canadian cities discontinued or at the very least the banks of halogen lamps luxury car manufacturers feel compelled to affix to their front grills. Conversely, I'd kind of like to see such discontinued things as the “r” in February and the “cl” in nuclear brought back. I'm kind of glad they discontinued the nation-wide November 11 holiday, but I'd like to see Canadian schools, businesses and the entire civil service make attending Remembrance Day observances as mandatory as registering with the Canadian census.
Sorry, I'm meandering here. But let me bring you back to those portfolios that my favourite art shop had discontinued. I did a little research in my telephone book (I know, they've virtually discontinued them too). And I found another art shop in one of those district malls in Markham. Curry's had the portfolios I was looking for. They had lots of them. Funny thing happened, though, as I paid the cashier.
“All sales final,” she told me as if it were a warning.
“Why?” I asked. “Are they discontinuing these too?”
“No,” she said. “Some people who buy these portfolios, use them in their job interviews or school projects and then try to return them like they were never used.”
I guess in some people, honesty has been discontinued too.
